To Do List

As Barack Obama prepares for his speech tonight, he should keep these words in mind. Jeff Lieber of Daily Kos provided the perfect To Do List, of sorts:

Barack Obama must get a six-hundred and thirty-eight point bounce.

Barack Obama must be inspiring, but not TOO INSPIRING SO AS TO SEEM A PROPHET, and present his ideas clearly, but not TOO CLEARLY SO AS TO SEEM SIMPLISTIC, and with specifics, but not TOO MANY SPECIFICS SO AS TO SEEM WONKY, and be tough, but not TOO TOUGH SO AS TO SEEM TO HAVE GONE NEGATIVE.

Barack Obama must walk on water (but not in such a way that suggests that either he or his supporters see him as a deity) and give a speech in front of 70,000 people (but not in a way that suggests that he's a celebrity) and completely unify the party (but not in such a way that suggests that said party is "liberal") and speak to the base (but not so much that suggests he's "out of the mainstream of America" ) and embrace Democratic ideals (but not so much as to suggest he's "going back to the days of Jimmy Carter") and remind America about all the good that happened under the last Democratic administration (without using the words "Bill" or "Clinton" or "Hope" or "Cigar" or "Blue Dress").

* * * *

Barack Obama must be black, but not too black, and not black while trying to seem white, and certainly not black while trying to be white without trying to LOOK LIKE he's greyish-blue.*

(*Ronald Reagan, with a deep, rich, Coppertone tan is the preferred outcome.)

* * * *

Barack Obama must council his wife to appear strong, but not uppity, smart, but not elitist, sure of herself, yet still subservient and willing to bake a pie and stitch the hem of a skirt. Barack Obama must also convince Michelle to leave her machine-gun, eye-patch and twelve-inch afro back at the hotel.

* * * *

Barack Obama must make Family Circus funny.

Barack Obama must wrestle a live Puma and win over the "sheet-wearing, still-naming-their-sons Adolph" demographic and bowl a three hundred game and prove without a shadow of a doubt that he doesn't want to have sex with someone's white sister and create a car that can drive a hundred miles using only the flesh of a single terrorist and bleed red, white and blue when stuck in the eye with a flag pin.

Barack Obama must ride a camel through the eye of a needle.

See What Barack Obama MUST, SO TOTALLY, ABSOLUTELY DO...

And he also had a few words of wisdom for John McCain:

John McCain... needs to live through his speech.

(Via Martha)